Lost Myself

measureI’ve lost myself along the way.

I find myself wrapped up in bad habits. I know better, yet I persist.

Do I need to go to church?

I know I need to go to the gym.

I hate the way my body feels. I miss feeling like myself, thin and fit. I miss the carefree feeling of putting on clothes that hang, and how that made it feel easier to just go with the flow, with a carefree shrug of my bare midriff peeking out. I miss not tensing up at the slight hover of his hand over my hip.

I tell myself to stop. But I don’t. There’s no one here to notice anyway. That shouldn’t matter, but maybe it does.

How do I get back there, back to myself, the person I used to be, in that body of mine I no longer have?

Or, how do I move forward to the next version of myself? I don’t like the current iteration.