A Heart’s Divide

divide

Looking into his eyes

I see beyond the bounds of me

Trust was implicit from the start

in the comfort of his hand

upon the small of my back

 

Now I find myself vulnerable

in a place I yearn not to be

Insecurities for all to see

I gave my trust

Without question

No reservation

He held back the truth

For fear I would run?

Or perhaps he was afraid

I’d ask something of him

He wasn’t ready to do

 

No longer absolute

About what to believe

A single lie by omission

or intuition’s built-in protection?

 

Not wanting this to bring us to an end

Yet I can’t risk losing myself in another

Again

So I’m left navigating my heart’s divide

 

{Update} Learning to trust again was so hard, and so worth it. I think I will always be timid because of my life experiences, but I am determined not to make the same mistakes. I know that I have found the right person to entrust my heart to, and I have faith that no matter what happens, we are capable of loving each other the way we all deserve to be loved.

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Kissy, Kissy – Why Modeling Affection Is Healthy for Kids

kissing.jpg

Do you kiss your partner in front of your kids? I recently overheard a couple talking about how they don’t snuggle or hold hands in front of their kids and it made me feel kinda sad for them, and their kids.

How else are kids supposed to learn healthy models of affection between two loving adults?

When it comes to showing affection, such as giving hugs, snuggling, or holding hands, I want my son to know that expressing his emotions and showing affection for the people he loves is a good thing. It makes me happy to see him reach out and hug one of his buddies, or to watch him tell someone he cares about that he loves them.

Of course affection between kids is very different than affection between two adults, and children should never be made to feel excluded, but we can teach our children that too.

Children learn from what we teach them, but more than that, they learn from the behaviors they observe, what their parents model. Even when we think they aren’t paying attention, they usually are, and they pick up on subtle cues as well. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, kids are always taking notes and emulating their parents and other adults they grow up around.

When I kiss my partner in front of the kids, in some ways it feels odd, because we are not married, we didn’t have children together, and yet, here are these kids (ours, but not ours) who look up to us. I hope they see two adults who love each other and express their care and emotions in a healthy way.

Kissy, kissy.

 

Stand By Me

walking away

I didn’t marry a man who would stand by my side.

Not realizing it at the time, we were both so young, he was not the man I hoped he would be, one who would be there for me, no matter what.

When the going got tough, he disappeared.

I made excuses for him, and I grew stronger because I had to.

When I needed him most, he was unavailable.

Even when he was there, he wasn’t actually there.

I told myself I would never make the same mistake again.

And I haven’t.

We all deserve to be with someone who understands us, someone who truly listens and loves us for who we are, not for who they want us to be.

It goes both ways.

 

Meet Me in Denver

blueplane

As if dating in real life isn’t complicated enough, enter the myriad subtleties of online dating. Tinder, eHarmony, Match — what’s a single mother to do?

IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Flew Across the Country for a Second Date with a Guy I Met Online

Yep, I did that. I flew to Denver to meet a guy for our second date. Then I wrote about it on xoJane.com (spoiler alert: I did not get murdered).

Was it impulsive? You bet. But my experience taught me that it’s possible to have fun and even find love dating online, while still being responsible and safe.

For the record, I did determine this guy was who he said he was before I agreed to meet him, and I was suspicious about his marital status, but he checked out, at least from what I could find online.

Also for the record, I did not have sex with him. Seriously, I wasn’t ready, and we discussed boundaries before agreeing to meet. To his credit, he was respectful in every regard. And for the Audi doubters in the xoJane comments section, check this out.

Coup de Foudre

green plant

 

 

 

 

 

 

So lonely

My heart aches

A void to fill

An empty space

Wanting, yearning

Oh so much

For this to be more

Than just lust

So lonely

Everything feels so far away

I don’t want one more day to be wasted feeling this way

I say, I think, I don’t need rescuing

But what I really mean is

Be right, be real, be meant for me

And please, come rescue me

Disillusioned with Love

dissapearingcitygirlWhat is love, he asks

If it as pure and true

As she proclaims

Then how can it disappear

In a matter of days

Vanished

Ponder

He’s left to wonder

The other wanders

Further, further

She puts distance between them

An effort to protect her heart

Not quite knowing

No longer trusting

Doubting what is good and true

She reflects

Inward

There’s comfort there

In this space

She’s come to know so well

And so she stays

Inside her shell

For now

Not Settling

mouthSeeking connection

Hoping for a spark

Waiting for that feeling

That when it’s right

You just know

Wanting to be kissed

In that way

To feel

The way he made me feel

To have those emotions

Wash over me

Consume me

Feel so real

And raw

Then turn them into ever lasting

Maybe life has happened in this order

On purpose

Maybe I am supposed to keep seeking

What I try to find

Because if I never knew

It was out there to begin with

I would settle

Once you know though, you know

There’s no going back from there