How did I get here
To this place I don’t even recognize
This is so-called co-parenting?
Our interactions make me feel trapped
Like I’m in a cage with a wild animal
Backed up against the wall with nowhere to go
He is the beast
Except I am the one who appears wild
Enraged, my heart ablaze
It’s not a place of anger these carnal feelings come from
First he lost my diamond ring
Next, he lost his mind
He knew what he was doing the whole time
Two binders sit on my shelf, side-by-side. One with the word “Tumor” emblazoned upon its spine, the other labeled “Emotional Tumor.”
The first binder details the tiny tumor that’s perched, quite literally, inside my head. It doesn’t bother me so much, this 1.4x 1.0x 2.7cm mass. It needs to be treated, but the treatment is fairly straightforward. In less than 30 days, it will be taken care of, with a 95% probability of never bothering me again. Sounds promising.
That is when you’re not lying awake anxious, wondering about the black hole that lies within the missing 5%.
In comparison, the headache in my second binder has no end in sight, is relatively unstable, and seems to multiply every attempt I make to move forward. That would be my divorce / custody binder I’m referring to.
It’s hard to say which stress outweighs the other. Usually it’s a tug-of-war fueled by which, in that particular moment, has the most pressing immediacy.
situation: battling insomnia that’s come back to rest in its familiar place
song: In the Long Run, The Staves
I didn’t marry a man who would stand by my side.
Not realizing it at the time, we were both so young, he was not the man I hoped he would be, one who would be there for me, no matter what.
When the going got tough, he disappeared.
I made excuses for him, and I grew stronger because I had to.
When I needed him most, he was unavailable.
Even when he was there, he wasn’t actually there.
I told myself I would never make the same mistake again.
And I haven’t.
We all deserve to be with someone who understands us, someone who truly listens and loves us for who we are, not for who they want us to be.
It goes both ways.
Uncertainty in life can be scary.
Divorce has added up to be a lot of uncertainty. I don’t think I expected that, at least not to this degree.
I was talking with someone close to me the other day about the uncertainty of divorce and how scary it feels to not know where I will be next month, let alone next year, and he said something that was so wise and reflective.
He said, “Well, you need something to do next year anyways.”
I like the promise that underlies that statement.
The following are pretty close-to-actual comments made by my ex-husband before the ex part came to be….
- “I wouldn’t have to lie to you if you didn’t make me feel ashamed of everything I do.”
- “Sex is not about intimacy or emotion for me, it’s just physical.”
- “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up from surgery, I had to check on work and got stuck there for an hour. You understand, right, I mean you were under anesthesia anyways.”
- “Do I think you look pretty in that dress? Um, well, I think all women are pretty, so it’s really not an individual matter.”
- “I didn’t mean to get drunk and pee on your sister while she was sleeping, it won’t happen again.”
- “I worry about you getting hurt and me having to push you around in a wheelchair for the rest of our lives.”
- “I don’t think I was ever truly in love with you.”
- “But she’s a lesbian – it can’t be considered an emotional affair if she has a girlfriend! And I don’t even remember those emails, so it doesn’t count!”
- “I didn’t realize how unacceptable my sexual affair with my employee was because you were still willing to talk to me, so I thought it was ok.”
- “I don’t know what happened to your diamond engagement ring.”
In closing, you know what they say abut hindsight and organizing your thoughts into lists.
For what’s to come
I try not to let him get to me
But as hard as I try
He knows my weak spot
It’s our son
And so he tugs
I try not to bend
I want to lash out at him
But I can’t, and I won’t
Except it still gets to me
The anger keeps me up most the night
I must do better
I changed the locks today
Because he has no concept of boundaries
And I needed to take back some control
I tell myself it will help steady me
For his inevitable blows
He no longer has the same level of access
To the coming and goings of my life
He may like playing games
He thinks it’s funny
Me, as his pawn
But I just want it to end
Start living my life the way I want