Messy Mantra

sheet

Life once seemed so simple

It was never easy, never dull

But simple

Grappling with the drama that’s been infused into my life

Despite my best efforts to deflect

It feels like my energy is wasted

Accept it, take it on, I tell myself

Adjust to it

Messy is your new reality

Like it or not, it’s yours

Here to stay, it’s not going anywhere

Possibly it could go from messy to super messy

Best case scenario

But the simplicity of marriage, of raising a child in one home has slipped beyond anyone’s grasp

Messy was what was always to come

Embracing it is likely the only way through

When you can’t run

Finding the Words

swimmer

I struggle to find the right words

Attempting to describe how this cruel world works sometimes

To a five-year-old

It’s hard

I want to shelter him

But he is wise beyond his years

I want to coddle him

Usually, he lets me

How do you explain to a little boy how his father broke your heart

Left you to pick up the pieces of your life

Put it back together again?

Show him how to build a more fulfilling, meaningful life filled with love

How do you explain to him that although he may have a fun daddy, and one who loves him, he’s not a good father in the true sense of the word?

You don’t

You just do your best to answer his questions

Knowing that the understanding will come later

When he’s older

And figures it out for himself

 

Bear

A photo by Thomas Lefebvre. unsplash.com/photos/aRXPJnXQ9lUHow did I get here

To this place I don’t even recognize

This is so-called co-parenting?

Our interactions make me feel trapped

Like I’m in a cage with a wild animal

Backed up against the wall with nowhere to go

He is the beast

Except I am the one who appears wild

Enraged, my heart ablaze

It’s not a place of anger these carnal feelings come from

It’s fear

 

Stand By Me

walking away

I didn’t marry a man who would stand by my side.

Not realizing it at the time, we were both so young, he was not the man I hoped he would be, one who would be there for me, no matter what.

When the going got tough, he disappeared.

I made excuses for him, and I grew stronger because I had to.

When I needed him most, he was unavailable.

Even when he was there, he wasn’t actually there.

I told myself I would never make the same mistake again.

And I haven’t.

We all deserve to be with someone who understands us, someone who truly listens and loves us for who we are, not for who they want us to be.

It goes both ways.

 

Uncertainty

purple flower

Uncertainty in life can be scary.

Divorce has added up to be a lot of uncertainty. I don’t think I expected that, at least not to this degree.

I was talking with someone close to me the other day about the uncertainty of divorce and how scary it feels to not know where I will be next month, let alone next year, and he said something that was so wise and reflective.

He said, “Well, you need something to do next year anyways.”

True that.

I like the promise that underlies that statement.