I Dreamt of Infidelity

dreamcatcher

I would wake up in a panic, soaked in my own sweat, gasping for air.

Every night, for months on end, I dreamt of her, the other woman, with my husband.

It felt like my punishment for not being the perfect wife he wanted.

My imagination and fear filled in any missing details, to the point where nothing could hurt me more.

I dreamt that he was still with her, and I was the only moron left on the planet not to know. I dreamt of how it would have felt to punch him in the face when he told me about the affair, instead of stuffing my anger deep down inside, haunting me in the darkest hours of night.

The saddest part is that even awake, I was living my nightmare.

Day in, day out. No reprieve, except the idea that I could eventually leave it all behind.

Transition

yoga mountain side

Transition

Fluid movement from one place or one state of being to the next

Not always smooth though, as I am discovering

 

It’s difficult to keep focused

In part because I can’t see what’s on the horizon, what’s next

Everything keeps shifting, despite my best efforts

 

Entangled in a gauzy web

Stuck figuring out a strategy for getting to that place where I need to be

 

That’s the trouble though

It’s not easy to stay put, to just be

Yet it’s not simple to move forward when you don’t know where you’re going

 

I need a plot change

But knowing I need it is not enough

 

Nothing is quite enough these days

Coup de Foudre

green plant

 

 

 

 

 

 

So lonely

My heart aches

A void to fill

An empty space

Wanting, yearning

Oh so much

For this to be more

Than just lust

So lonely

Everything feels so far away

I don’t want one more day to be wasted feeling this way

I say, I think, I don’t need rescuing

But what I really mean is

Be right, be real, be meant for me

And please, come rescue me

Anew

heart nature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does anyone ever really “start new”?

We all have a past, habits we’d rather not, a history that makes us who we are.

Starting new is a fallacy. Starting over, beginning again may be better descriptors.

We cannot move forward if we are still stuck in the past. The challenge is navigating the boundaries of where one ends and the other begins, and arriving at the optimal balance.

Maintaining who we are, staying grounded in our values, beliefs, our faith. Those are parts of ourselves that move on with us.

Letting go of insecurities, releasing ourselves from fear, trusting that we can jump and will be ok, these are not easy.

Changing the parts of ourselves we know we should, those require work, dedication, but it’s not as hard because it requires you to have faith in yourself, in your own abilities.

It’s trusting others, the ones who join you on this path.

That’s the hardest part when the place you came from is heartbreak.