I would wake up in a panic, soaked in my own sweat, gasping for air.
Every night, for months on end, I dreamt of her, the other woman, with my husband.
It felt like my punishment for not being the perfect wife he wanted.
My imagination and fear filled in any missing details, to the point where nothing could hurt me more.
I dreamt that he was still with her, and I was the only moron left on the planet not to know. I dreamt of how it would have felt to punch him in the face when he told me about the affair, instead of stuffing my anger deep down inside, haunting me in the darkest hours of night.
The saddest part is that even awake, I was living my nightmare.
Day in, day out. No reprieve, except the idea that I could eventually leave it all behind.
Fluid movement from one place or one state of being to the next
Not always smooth though, as I am discovering
It’s difficult to keep focused
In part because I can’t see what’s on the horizon, what’s next
Everything keeps shifting, despite my best efforts
Entangled in a gauzy web
Stuck figuring out a strategy for getting to that place where I need to be
That’s the trouble though
It’s not easy to stay put, to just be
Yet it’s not simple to move forward when you don’t know where you’re going
I need a plot change
But knowing I need it is not enough
Nothing is quite enough these days
My heart aches
A void to fill
An empty space
Oh so much
For this to be more
Than just lust
Everything feels so far away
I don’t want one more day to be wasted feeling this way
I say, I think, I don’t need rescuing
But what I really mean is
Be right, be real, be meant for me
And please, come rescue me
Does anyone ever really “start new”?
We all have a past, habits we’d rather not, a history that makes us who we are.
Starting new is a fallacy. Starting over, beginning again may be better descriptors.
We cannot move forward if we are still stuck in the past. The challenge is navigating the boundaries of where one ends and the other begins, and arriving at the optimal balance.
Maintaining who we are, staying grounded in our values, beliefs, our faith. Those are parts of ourselves that move on with us.
Letting go of insecurities, releasing ourselves from fear, trusting that we can jump and will be ok, these are not easy.
Changing the parts of ourselves we know we should, those require work, dedication, but it’s not as hard because it requires you to have faith in yourself, in your own abilities.
It’s trusting others, the ones who join you on this path.
That’s the hardest part when the place you came from is heartbreak.