Flawed

engagement ringI remember when he proposed, almost ten years ago. I was afraid to say yes, but I did.

I can recall the morning of our wedding, feeling so unsure, scared. I was young, I thought it was normal, cold feet and all.

On our honeymoon, I cried. A lot. I blamed exhaustion. I mean do couples really have sex on the first night of their honeymoon? Oh, right, I guess some people do.

Our marriage was flawed, but whose wasn’t, I rationalized. We said vows, we loved each other, we would work it out.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 30’s that I started seriously questioning my husband’s integrity as a man and his commitment to our marriage. But that only made me try harder. I loved him, I was happy (or so I thought).

Wasn’t that enough?

No. I learned the answer is no. It is not enough.

When my husband left me and we agreed to divorce, it felt like the ground beneath my feet crumbled.

Friends and family kept telling me I was going to be ok, that I was strong enough to get past it.

I believed in their words and accepted their love and support. They were right. I did get through it and came out with an incredible sense of clarity about my marriage.

I let go of my love, I let go of the anger (somewhat). I made the commitment to myself to be happy. That was my biggest struggle toward the end of my marriage—all I wanted was to be happy with the man I married. But he didn’t want the same thing, so what’s a girl to do.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried because you can’t make someone else happy, and you can’t make someone else try.

I don’t regret it though.

My marriage taught me that unless I gave my all, unless I strived to live my life with no regrets, that I wouldn’t truly be satisfied and clarity wouldn’t exist because in its place would lie wonder, doubt, curiosity.

The Moment He Lost His Charm

downloadThere was an exact moment when it happened, when my heart closed itself to him.

There will never be another moment like that. I know it’s final.

The day I left that part of him, that part of us, go, I started breathing again.

I also gained strength from the knowledge that I didn’t need him, I didn’t want him, and I never would again.

He’s a part of my life, we will always be connected, tethered to one another as parents, but I will never forget that moment that I knew, without a doubt, there would never again be an “us.”

He may have left me. He’s the one who moved out. But I have moved on.

What he gave me was so much more than what he took.

He freed me.

I no longer have to be burdened as the cause for his unhappiness.

I  was never the source anyways.

I know, with every beat of my heart, that I am no longer his.

Knowing that enables me to start living a greater life and experience an even greater love, one day.

Gone & Good Riddance

plane take offYou left again.

Walked out the door, leaving your wife and child behind in tears.

I know you won’t be coming back this time.

I want it this way.

In this moment, I truly never want to see you again.

I know it’s not my fault. I do know this.

After all, no one tried harder than me to fix what was broken.

If nothing else, that’s something you can’t take from me.

Everyone knows how hard I tried.

The same cannot be said for you.

I know all this, yet I am still ashamed.

You couldn’t love me for who I am, because who I am is too much for you.

So you walked away.

Before you left, you tried to make me small so you could feel big.

I let you.

Until I just couldn’t lose myself in you anymore.

Who am I without you?

Whoever I want to be, no longer encumbered by the depths of you.