Divorce Free Fall

tree

Yearning to gain control over my life

Fighting for some semblance of it at least

It can’t be what it was before, I know this and welcome the resulting challenges

This feels like a free fall

I grasp for anything to pad my inevitable tumble to the bottom

I spread out my arms, reach for branches, try to grab and hold on for dear life

Determination does not hold a strong enough power over the sheer exhaustion of it all

Balanced by tip toe on a small hold, I have to let go once again, I can’t endure any longer

If I keep boomeranging this way, what will be left of me when I get to the end, I wonder?

Scattered

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My thoughts are so scattered

I just want to cry

I can’t gain focus

My head is spinning

I shift from one thing to the next

Reaching, wanting, just needing something to be done,

to check it off the list,

to feel like I have done something,

that there is order

Spin, spin, spin

Repeat

Nothing gets done

I turn the volume up

Wanting the music to crowd out the noise in my head

Fail

The thoughts persist

Scattered as they are,

scattered they remain

Transition

yoga mountain side

Transition

Fluid movement from one place or one state of being to the next

Not always smooth though, as I am discovering

 

It’s difficult to keep focused

In part because I can’t see what’s on the horizon, what’s next

Everything keeps shifting, despite my best efforts

 

Entangled in a gauzy web

Stuck figuring out a strategy for getting to that place where I need to be

 

That’s the trouble though

It’s not easy to stay put, to just be

Yet it’s not simple to move forward when you don’t know where you’re going

 

I need a plot change

But knowing I need it is not enough

 

Nothing is quite enough these days

Beach Date

surfboardWe sat and gazed out over the ocean waves

As far as we could see

Dug our toes in the cool sand

We surfed together

Just him and I, letting the gentle current guide our way

We share the same laugh, you know

We both seek joy from the wild, and by connecting with others

When it was almost time to bring the day to an end

I went and laid down on the peach and white striped towel

He bounced down beside me, nestling his tiny nose into the corner of my neck, soaking wet from the surf, and sandy

We giggled

& in that moment

I felt more joy than any other moment that day, that week, the whole summer

Moments with any other cannot even compare

He is my joy

Oh how I love this little boy

The Moment He Lost His Charm

downloadThere was an exact moment when it happened, when my heart closed itself to him.

There will never be another moment like that. I know it’s final.

The day I left that part of him, that part of us, go, I started breathing again.

I also gained strength from the knowledge that I didn’t need him, I didn’t want him, and I never would again.

He’s a part of my life, we will always be connected, tethered to one another as parents, but I will never forget that moment that I knew, without a doubt, there would never again be an “us.”

He may have left me. He’s the one who moved out. But I have moved on.

What he gave me was so much more than what he took.

He freed me.

I no longer have to be burdened as the cause for his unhappiness.

I  was never the source anyways.

I know, with every beat of my heart, that I am no longer his.

Knowing that enables me to start living a greater life and experience an even greater love, one day.