Yearning to gain control over my life
Fighting for some semblance of it at least
It can’t be what it was before, I know this and welcome the resulting challenges
This feels like a free fall
I grasp for anything to pad my inevitable tumble to the bottom
I spread out my arms, reach for branches, try to grab and hold on for dear life
Determination does not hold a strong enough power over the sheer exhaustion of it all
Balanced by tip toe on a small hold, I have to let go once again, I can’t endure any longer
If I keep boomeranging this way, what will be left of me when I get to the end, I wonder?
My thoughts are so scattered
I just want to cry
I can’t gain focus
My head is spinning
I shift from one thing to the next
Reaching, wanting, just needing something to be done,
to check it off the list,
to feel like I have done something,
that there is order
Spin, spin, spin
Nothing gets done
I turn the volume up
Wanting the music to crowd out the noise in my head
The thoughts persist
Scattered as they are,
scattered they remain
Fluid movement from one place or one state of being to the next
Not always smooth though, as I am discovering
It’s difficult to keep focused
In part because I can’t see what’s on the horizon, what’s next
Everything keeps shifting, despite my best efforts
Entangled in a gauzy web
Stuck figuring out a strategy for getting to that place where I need to be
That’s the trouble though
It’s not easy to stay put, to just be
Yet it’s not simple to move forward when you don’t know where you’re going
I need a plot change
But knowing I need it is not enough
Nothing is quite enough these days
We sat and gazed out over the ocean waves
As far as we could see
Dug our toes in the cool sand
We surfed together
Just him and I, letting the gentle current guide our way
We share the same laugh, you know
We both seek joy from the wild, and by connecting with others
When it was almost time to bring the day to an end
I went and laid down on the peach and white striped towel
He bounced down beside me, nestling his tiny nose into the corner of my neck, soaking wet from the surf, and sandy
& in that moment
I felt more joy than any other moment that day, that week, the whole summer
Moments with any other cannot even compare
He is my joy
Oh how I love this little boy
I can’t sleep.
I tried, it didn’t work.
It didn’t work, so I poured myself a drink hoping that would work.
But it didn’t.
So I thought I would give writing a try.
Then I realized I really have nothing to say.
So now I am tired, drunk, and writing.
When we are unwilling
to look inside ourselves for answers,
we miss out on the opportunity to learn
who we really are
and who we most want to become.
There was an exact moment when it happened, when my heart closed itself to him.
There will never be another moment like that. I know it’s final.
The day I left that part of him, that part of us, go, I started breathing again.
I also gained strength from the knowledge that I didn’t need him, I didn’t want him, and I never would again.
He’s a part of my life, we will always be connected, tethered to one another as parents, but I will never forget that moment that I knew, without a doubt, there would never again be an “us.”
He may have left me. He’s the one who moved out. But I have moved on.
What he gave me was so much more than what he took.
He freed me.
I no longer have to be burdened as the cause for his unhappiness.
I was never the source anyways.
I know, with every beat of my heart, that I am no longer his.
Knowing that enables me to start living a greater life and experience an even greater love, one day.