Coup de Foudre

green plant

 

 

 

 

 

 

So lonely

My heart aches

A void to fill

An empty space

Wanting, yearning

Oh so much

For this to be more

Than just lust

So lonely

Everything feels so far away

I don’t want one more day to be wasted feeling this way

I say, I think, I don’t need rescuing

But what I really mean is

Be right, be real, be meant for me

And please, come rescue me

Wave of Sadness

wavesplashThe sadness will come and go, this I know.

I allow myself to feel the full weight of it.

Feel it pressing me down farther than where I want to be.

Just like the past, I ride the waves of emotion, let them wash over me and serve as reminders of what my life once was, and the dreams I had for our lives together.

But I will not allow the waves to knock me over. I wipe away the tears, push the sadness to the back of my mind, and try to be more present in the moment.

We will be parents, we may even be friends again, one day, but what once was can never be again. Accepting that isn’t easy, and it’s not quick. It’s a process.

The nights are the hardest. It’s when I miss him the most. I want to reach for him, but he’s not there.

It’s lonely here, alone with my thoughts. I wonder why he couldn’t love me.

Surely there is something wrong with him. That’s easier than thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am unloveable.

I feel our love, our lives, slip right through my fingers.

I am helpless to stop the loss because I can’t do it alone anymore.

The weight of it is too much.

So I try to roll with it, to let it go bit-by-bit.

Beyond the Now

hazeMy days are foggy. Like haze and all things heavy.

I am light, as measured by pounds on a scale. And yet…

It’s deceiving because I don’t feel anything but weighted, weighed down by my situation, the uncertainty of it all.

My heart is solid rock. My mind a gauzy tangled web.

I wish to see beyond the now. I want a glimpse of the happiness that is on the other side.

I know it’s too soon to be past it. Grief and sorrow don’t move that fast, even for me.

Yet still I wish for a hint of what’s to come, a sense of what possibilities can unfold.

Just a peek of what’s next, a tiny glimmer of hope to get me through.

Not Enough

sadnessYou didn’t love me enough not to hurt me in this way

I should have known better

It’s not like I ever really trusted you anyway

I tried

But you kept lying

I had so much doubt

I was full of it, for good reason

I loved you as best I could

You didn’t love me enough

I wasn’t enough for you

Yet really, I was too much for you

Men who love their wives

Don’t fall for other women

You fell for her because you didn’t keep your heart full of me

My love was wasted on you

A man who is too much of a fool to see just how good he had it

Life is what we make it

You’ll see