Divergence

highwayI desperately want to make sure there is separation

Between the good

And the bad

 

I don’t want to be blinded by one for the other

 

I want distinction, divergence

Between the past

And the future

 

Definition is the only way through it

 

We’re getting there

Him so much slower than me

As usual

 

It hurts

It aches

But the good awaits

On the other end

Scattered

spinning.jpg

My thoughts are so scattered

I just want to cry

I can’t gain focus

My head is spinning

I shift from one thing to the next

Reaching, wanting, just needing something to be done,

to check it off the list,

to feel like I have done something,

that there is order

Spin, spin, spin

Repeat

Nothing gets done

I turn the volume up

Wanting the music to crowd out the noise in my head

Fail

The thoughts persist

Scattered as they are,

scattered they remain

Transition

yoga mountain side

Transition

Fluid movement from one place or one state of being to the next

Not always smooth though, as I am discovering

 

It’s difficult to keep focused

In part because I can’t see what’s on the horizon, what’s next

Everything keeps shifting, despite my best efforts

 

Entangled in a gauzy web

Stuck figuring out a strategy for getting to that place where I need to be

 

That’s the trouble though

It’s not easy to stay put, to just be

Yet it’s not simple to move forward when you don’t know where you’re going

 

I need a plot change

But knowing I need it is not enough

 

Nothing is quite enough these days

Flawed

engagement ringI remember when he proposed, almost ten years ago. I was afraid to say yes, but I did.

I can recall the morning of our wedding, feeling so unsure, scared. I was young, I thought it was normal, cold feet and all.

On our honeymoon, I cried. A lot. I blamed exhaustion. I mean do couples really have sex on the first night of their honeymoon? Oh, right, I guess some people do.

Our marriage was flawed, but whose wasn’t, I rationalized. We said vows, we loved each other, we would work it out.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 30’s that I started seriously questioning my husband’s integrity as a man and his commitment to our marriage. But that only made me try harder. I loved him, I was happy (or so I thought).

Wasn’t that enough?

No. I learned the answer is no. It is not enough.

When my husband left me and we agreed to divorce, it felt like the ground beneath my feet crumbled.

Friends and family kept telling me I was going to be ok, that I was strong enough to get past it.

I believed in their words and accepted their love and support. They were right. I did get through it and came out with an incredible sense of clarity about my marriage.

I let go of my love, I let go of the anger (somewhat). I made the commitment to myself to be happy. That was my biggest struggle toward the end of my marriage—all I wanted was to be happy with the man I married. But he didn’t want the same thing, so what’s a girl to do.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried because you can’t make someone else happy, and you can’t make someone else try.

I don’t regret it though.

My marriage taught me that unless I gave my all, unless I strived to live my life with no regrets, that I wouldn’t truly be satisfied and clarity wouldn’t exist because in its place would lie wonder, doubt, curiosity.

Not Enough

sadnessYou didn’t love me enough not to hurt me in this way

I should have known better

It’s not like I ever really trusted you anyway

I tried

But you kept lying

I had so much doubt

I was full of it, for good reason

I loved you as best I could

You didn’t love me enough

I wasn’t enough for you

Yet really, I was too much for you

Men who love their wives

Don’t fall for other women

You fell for her because you didn’t keep your heart full of me

My love was wasted on you

A man who is too much of a fool to see just how good he had it

Life is what we make it

You’ll see