If you had told me 5 years ago that I wouldn’t be super stressed about a brain scan, I wouldn’t believe you.
But it’s true. I’ve stopped counting, I’ve stopped tracking every single scan, every protocol I need to be following, and I’ve just been maintaining the bare minimum. I’m giving the least amount of time and mental energy for what I need to do to maintain my tumors, that’s it. And it feels so good 🙂
So when my brain scan results came back this week showing that the tumor that was treated had shrunk even more (only a tiny bit, but hey, that’s still amazing), I was elated. I already assumed that it had shrunk, mostly because the symptoms I was having from that tumor had lessened. What a blessing!
Two binders sit on my shelf, side-by-side. One with the word “Tumor” emblazoned upon its spine, the other labeled “Emotional Tumor.”
The first binder details the tiny tumor that’s perched, quite literally, inside my head. It doesn’t bother me so much, this 1.4x 1.0x 2.7cm mass. It needs to be treated, but the treatment is fairly straightforward. In less than 30 days, it will be taken care of, with a 95% probability of never bothering me again. Sounds promising.
That is when you’re not lying awake anxious, wondering about the black hole that lies within the missing 5%.
In comparison, the headache in my second binder has no end in sight, is relatively unstable, and seems to multiply every attempt I make to move forward. That would be my divorce / custody binder I’m referring to.
It’s hard to say which stress outweighs the other. Usually it’s a tug-of-war fueled by which, in that particular moment, has the most pressing immediacy.
situation: battling insomnia that’s come back to rest in its familiar place
song: In the Long Run, The Staves