I struggle to find the right words
Attempting to describe how this cruel world works sometimes
To a five-year-old
I want to shelter him
But he is wise beyond his years
I want to coddle him
Usually, he lets me
How do you explain to a little boy how his father broke your heart
Left you to pick up the pieces of your life
Put it back together again?
Show him how to build a more fulfilling, meaningful life filled with love
How do you explain to him that although he may have a fun daddy, and one who loves him, he’s not a good father in the true sense of the word?
You just do your best to answer his questions
Knowing that the understanding will come later
When he’s older
And figures it out for himself
How did I get here
To this place I don’t even recognize
This is so-called co-parenting?
Our interactions make me feel trapped
Like I’m in a cage with a wild animal
Backed up against the wall with nowhere to go
He is the beast
Except I am the one who appears wild
Enraged, my heart ablaze
It’s not a place of anger these carnal feelings come from
Do you kiss your partner in front of your kids? I recently overheard a couple talking about how they don’t snuggle or hold hands in front of their kids and it made me feel kinda sad for them, and their kids.
How else are kids supposed to learn healthy models of affection between two loving adults?
When it comes to showing affection, such as giving hugs, snuggling, or holding hands, I want my son to know that expressing his emotions and showing affection for the people he loves is a good thing. It makes me happy to see him reach out and hug one of his buddies, or to watch him tell someone he cares about that he loves them.
Of course affection between kids is very different than affection between two adults, and children should never be made to feel excluded, but we can teach our children that too.
Children learn from what we teach them, but more than that, they learn from the behaviors they observe, what their parents model. Even when we think they aren’t paying attention, they usually are, and they pick up on subtle cues as well. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, kids are always taking notes and emulating their parents and other adults they grow up around.
When I kiss my partner in front of the kids, in some ways it feels odd, because we are not married, we didn’t have children together, and yet, here are these kids (ours, but not ours) who look up to us. I hope they see two adults who love each other and express their care and emotions in a healthy way.
First he lost my diamond ring
Next, he lost his mind
He knew what he was doing the whole time
Two binders sit on my shelf, side-by-side. One with the word “Tumor” emblazoned upon its spine, the other labeled “Emotional Tumor.”
The first binder details the tiny tumor that’s perched, quite literally, inside my head. It doesn’t bother me so much, this 1.4x 1.0x 2.7cm mass. It needs to be treated, but the treatment is fairly straightforward. In less than 30 days, it will be taken care of, with a 95% probability of never bothering me again. Sounds promising.
That is when you’re not lying awake anxious, wondering about the black hole that lies within the missing 5%.
In comparison, the headache in my second binder has no end in sight, is relatively unstable, and seems to multiply every attempt I make to move forward. That would be my divorce / custody binder I’m referring to.
It’s hard to say which stress outweighs the other. Usually it’s a tug-of-war fueled by which, in that particular moment, has the most pressing immediacy.
situation: battling insomnia that’s come back to rest in its familiar place
song: In the Long Run, The Staves
I didn’t marry a man who would stand by my side.
Not realizing it at the time, we were both so young, he was not the man I hoped he would be, one who would be there for me, no matter what.
When the going got tough, he disappeared.
I made excuses for him, and I grew stronger because I had to.
When I needed him most, he was unavailable.
Even when he was there, he wasn’t actually there.
I told myself I would never make the same mistake again.
And I haven’t.
We all deserve to be with someone who understands us, someone who truly listens and loves us for who we are, not for who they want us to be.
It goes both ways.
Uncertainty in life can be scary.
Divorce has added up to be a lot of uncertainty. I don’t think I expected that, at least not to this degree.
I was talking with someone close to me the other day about the uncertainty of divorce and how scary it feels to not know where I will be next month, let alone next year, and he said something that was so wise and reflective.
He said, “Well, you need something to do next year anyways.”
I like the promise that underlies that statement.