I’m filled with conflicting emotions, confused, and trying to figure it all out.

One minute, I’m wanting more, the next I’m trying to just be grateful for what I have. I try to convince myself I don’t need more – it’s a constant colloquy that plays out in my head.

Our relationship has progressed to this point where we’re committed, but because of our circumstances, we’re not all in.

So, I hold back. I disconnect from him. Or, I try.

Sometimes it feels easier to hold back, than to keep wanting something I can’t have.

Do I really want more? It’s tangled up in the not being able to have it in the first place. It’s compounded by the complications of it all.

Does he want more? I don’t really know anymore.

So I’m flooded with questions, left examining the why’s, the how’s, and determining the root cause, analyzing the possibilities.

Where is he in all this?

I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending it doesn’t hurt to be stuck here in this way – in a relationship with a man I love, who loves me, but what we might want might not be.