I’m filled with conflicting emotions, confused, and trying to figure it all out.
One minute, I’m wanting more, the next I’m trying to just be grateful for what I have. I try to convince myself I don’t need more – it’s a constant colloquy that plays out in my head.
Our relationship has progressed to this point where we’re committed, but because of our circumstances, we’re not all in.
So, I hold back. I disconnect from him. Or, I try.
Sometimes it feels easier to hold back, than to keep wanting something I can’t have.
Do I really want more? It’s tangled up in the not being able to have it in the first place. It’s compounded by the complications of it all.
Does he want more? I don’t really know anymore.
So I’m flooded with questions, left examining the why’s, the how’s, and determining the root cause, analyzing the possibilities.
Where is he in all this?
I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending it doesn’t hurt to be stuck here in this way – in a relationship with a man I love, who loves me, but what we might want might not be.